leaving work on a saturday

Today I imagined what would happen,
If I stood up, turned off the lights, shut the door, and walked away.
And became, finally, who I really am.

To no longer feel failure, over and over again.
To judge my worth by a value, different from an equation.
To be noticed because of what I do, not how well I do it.
Would I still notice the look of money, the minute it walked into the room?
How would I feel, to walk away from a race I have been in for over a decade?
To no longer make sense.
I almost can taste the liberation of being illogical. For once. Not giving up.
But making a decision.
What would you say to me?
Would they say she is crazy? Would they figure I was mad?
Would they whisper of how I could never overcome failure?
Some would notice, some would not.
Either way the race would continue.

What if I stood up and walked away, to became the person I really am?
To walk away from the constant attempt to become someone that will never satisfy you.
To hear constantly that I am not the one, because I cannot be who I am not.
What if I became the mother, I know I really am?
The one that is no longer on the outside.
The one who wants to teach, the one that has something to say.
About winning and losing and creativity and acceptance.
What if I became a voice?
What if I wasn’t constantly worrying, if I was doing the right thing? The right way?
And the tension, subsided. And I could relax once again. And smile and laugh.
Would you say I was selfish? Would you try to prove I didn’t care enough to try?
Either way, I would be the one in the wrong.

What if I stood up and walked away, from the inevitable?
And stopped analyzing every word I said, or every word that was said to me.
Would I stop revisiting the conversations, would I stop debating trust?
I could stop fearing that I am being used. Or knowing I only know a small portion.
Would I find someone else that understood the questions,
That could be as much fun?
I am looking for long term partnership, are you looking for a quick deal?
Would you notice that we are good together?
That a team is as good as the dynamic of the players.
Either way, the conversations would continue.

I am caught in between… Caught in between the fear of doing what I should be doing and the fear of losing it all. I am caught in between the realization that what I am doing now isn’t working, and the fear of being alone.
Either way I need to make a decision.