Friend in the Corner

It was about middle school when I realized as a girl, there were two camps.
Hot girls, and the girls with nice personalities.
Initiation was predetermined and uncontrollable.
Mother Nature presented me with a chubby body, braces, and frizzy hair.
So there I must have made some unconscious decision,
Looks like I am going to have to be smart.

My friend consequentially was graced with the other camp.
She was beautiful and tan and blonde, she had amazing eyes.
We each began our roles in life,
Her the hot friend,
And soon I was deemed the one with the personality
Or Thunder Thighs depending on the day.

It is a tough job being the one with the personality.
There are constant long talks with tormented boys.
I became the go between.
Often times my hot friend and the guy that was crazy about her would kiss,
I guarded the tree they were behind.

In junior high I began gathering other “hot friends” in my life.
The boys were older with cars, so it worked out well for both of us.
They were still equally tormented and whiny.
I would spend long evenings on the phone coaching them through a relationship
I was certain would be short lived.
It was also important to keep my friend in the game.
Her being exhausted from her pick of boys lined up at the door.
We would discuss which ones to rid of and which ones to keep.
She would be off behind closed doors with some pretty boy.
I would hang out in the living room and keep his friend busy,
There are boys with “nice personalities” too.
Once in awhile if we were really bored they would look at me,
“ya wanna make out?”

Through high school and college there was still a slew of “hot friends”.
Now I knew the drill.
I would become one of the guys…
She would be the girl the guys want. It was a vicious cycle.
Me and my hot friends would shop for makeup and clothes.
We would play dress up in dorm rooms and apartments.
I have noticed “hot friends” sometimes have no concept of simple body mass equations.
Often I would get the cute innocent offer “you can borrow something of mine”.
Even at age 9 I wasn’t a double 00… I don’t think that is going to work.

There are definite advantages to being the friend of the girl the guys want.
Free beer, party invites, boat rides, and cabin parties.
I remember my good friend’s boyfriend saying to me….
The perfect woman would have Jackie’s body, and Tina’s face, and your personality.
I couldn’t tell if I should be flattered my personality made the ultimate woman prize or insulted that he just removed my face and body from the running.

I have found I am always the “hot friend’s” keeper.
Where is said friend? They will ask the minute I enter a room.
I force them to talk to me for a bit.
Then I track "hot friend" down.

I found my own guys to date.
But I have found one has to get very specific with compliments,
“You have an amazing smile.”
“I love your bedroom eyes.”

Through the years I have found our type, Older men.
They can find us in a room from afar.
They offer to buy us drinks.
My other personality friends and I call it the curse of
“cute not hot”.
We feel as though these men have had regrets,
They married for looks not humor.
They tell us how they were forced to golf all day talking to golf-cart girls because
of the attractive oppression at home.
Their wives took their money
Then took their heart, after the plastic surgery that is.
Maybe they are trying to recapture those days gone by.
But we lose their attention too the minute the hot friends walk in.
The conversation at the bar diverts the other way.

I have a word of advice for the boys, about the girls with the good personality.
Girls with good personalities are pretty low maintenance,
Low expectations will do that to you.
They will drink beer with you.
And make you laugh.
They rarely have their wedding planned. There are no list of orders.
Girls with good personalities don’t complain.
They are self-sufficient and resourceful.
They can tear down dry wall,
And let their sons play in the mud.
They will lay in the grass on a summer day,
Girls with good personalities are good in bed,
You have to have something you know.
They can play scrabble with you, and laugh at themselves, and know what you want.
Because after you age, you will need someone to grow old with, so take advice from the older men. Go for the friend in the corner.